Parlez~me~'n~Tory

Rightly wry, satirically right

Government spends £220m a year on ‘professional communications experts’.

It would be laughable if it wasn’t so scary. The Government can just throw this kind of money away in an attempt to pretty-up their message and their recycled policies and sell them to the British public using their own money.

It’s all a far cry from the day the Parliamentary Labour Party stole the choice of power from the people of Britain by denying us the right to vote for our Prime Minister and instead made the mistake of their entire lives by installing Gordon Brown.

The day Gordon Brown stood on the steps of No10 as the PM he laid claim to the future of Britain that would be led by

A government of ‘all the talents’ and an end to spin

Well, thus far I have seen very little talent both within their ranks and from those appointments they have made so much of a public fan fair of and as for claiming to putting an end to spin…

…an end to spin? Hardly.

There are now 3,284 staff employed in departmental press and communication directorates prostituting their wares for the benefit of this weak and ineffectual Government.

Coupled with this we have another [circa] 700 staff who are responsible for getting the message to the public and making clear the message to other agencies.

These eye watering statistics were obtained from the Central Office of Information ‘White Book’ of Government and agency press officers by Nick Hurd MP.

An end to spin? Not under this Government.

An end to lies and deception? Not under this Government.

An end to boom and bust? You know the answer.

So far, not even an end to the recession.

Just as an aside and seeing as we’ve mentioned the day Brown came to power I was just wondering how the PLP felt now seeing as it was them that voted Harriet Harman to be the deputy leader of the Party and not Alan Johnson. Would they care to turn the clock back, just a little?

I’m sure we all remember LLM Communications (a Lobbying firm which was formed in 1997 by several Labour Party aides) because of its involvement in LobbyGate and the “Cash for access” scandal back in 1998 which featured Derek Draper heavily when he was recorded boasting about how [they] could sell access to government ministers, obtain advance copies of sensitive reports, and create tax breaks for their clients

Hardly the sort you would wish to do business with let alone hand taxpayers money to, eh?

But, that is exactly what the Government did when they sanctioned £38,200 in 2006/07 to LLM Communications in a contract authorised by Ruth Kelly (who is standing down at the next election in an allegedly unrelated move to her claim for £31,000 for decorating her second home), which went about its work in a decidedly dodgy way.

Originally LLM were contracted to highlight the work the Government was doing to showcase their plans to build thousands of extra houses in the South East but things went a little awry when a new group calling itself Campaign for More and Better Homes stepped in to support the Government and attack any group opposed to the plans specifically singling Green Groups to attack in their pro-Government press releases.

All’s well and good you may say until you discover the Campaign for More and Better Homes was being run from the quieter back offices of LLM Communication.

As if that wasn’t proof enough that a PR firm was issuing Government propaganda one Nicola Gilchrist was the Campaign’s press officer who was in actual fact a paid member of staff of LLM Communication.

To compound the problems and potential illegality of this venture Ian Parker, who in June 2009 became special adviser to housing minister John Healey was working for LLM as a senior staff member at the time of the contract.

It seems that it’s good to keep these things in-house so to speak.

Grant Shapps (Conservative Housing spokesman) is in the process of making a formal complaint to the Whitehall Accounting Officer, so let’s see where this goes.

Footnote: LLM was set up in 1997 by Labour backers Neal Lawson, Ben Lucas and Jon Mendelsohn – now Gordon Brown’s chief election fundraiser. LLM is now part of Communications Consultancy FD.

Lord Tyker, the Liberal Democrat Peer seems to have been a little caught up with reality television.

It seems that the Peer cannot tell the difference between reality (something generally occurring around you that affects your life) and reality television (something that affects a few individuals who are stupid enough to get involved and millions outside who sit agog every week).

Lord Tyker has tabled a parliamentary question calling for the BBC to be transparent.

Sounds fair enough when labeled as such but when the truth outs it makes the Peer look remarkably silly, but Parlez~me~’n~Tory ask is this really a good use of our resources and money?

Perhaps it is because I watch so little television (I like it that way) that I have no idea who Ricky Whittle is but apparently he recently lost Strictly Come Dancing and has called for the BBC to disclose the voting figures for every week and round he was involved. Is he suggesting there is some wrongdoing?

Is that what Lord Tyker is suggesting by tabling this question? It would appear so in his comments

It’s completely ludicrous to claim that the Corporation shouldn’t make clear how well each couple did in the Strictly final.

The technology is there, so why the smoke and mirrors?

Surely if you ask the public to ring in, it’s in the public interest to know the full result.

The trouble is, Sir, we do know the full result, what you seem to want to know is what led to the full and final result, what influencing factors were there.

Well, guess what, a major influencing factor for Mr Whittle would be that he gained too few votes…something I fear will be happening across the South West of this country for your Party come the General Election.

It would seem a case of sour grapes plain and simple in that Mr Whittle has not been asked to attend the Strictly Come Dancing tour whilst others who lost before him have been invited.

Talking of the General Election Lord Tyker and don’t get me wrong as I respect and even like your voting record, it is admirable and echoes many of my own thoughts but why bring this up now?

Are you simply seeking to fill the void on a Saturday evening, are you genuinely concerned that the BBC is corrupt to the core or are you simply gesture politicking to raise awareness of the fact that there is a third ‘major’ Party in this country?

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the England and in his booming voice said:

Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

Noah!,

He roared

I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?

Noah begged

Forgive me, Lord, but things have changed

I needed a Building Permit.

I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision.

Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving powerlines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky

Noah looked up in wonder and asked

You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?

No

said the Lord

Gordon Brown and the Government beat me to it

With the advent (Ed:good use of the word at this time of year) of Lord Mandelson claiming to want to give it all up so that he can tend some land, worry about the weather, look after his farm animals and listen to Farming Today one wonders where his true motives lie.

If, however, he is genuine I believe this house in Darwin, Falkland Islands could be just what he is looking for and crucially just far enough away from the mainland.

I understand that as a Peer the gentleman in question does not have access to immediate readies so am prepared to offer an assisted house purchase.

Who’ll start the bidding?

Do I see…

This delightful image was thrown my way by means of a fellow Twitterer (@YourMajesty).

Does it have a sell by date?

There are no further details available but Parlez~me~’n~Tory suspects it has a Best Before date of 25th March 2010.

What's the caption?

Parlez~me~’n~Tory doesn’t do caption contests but this was too good to miss. I’ll start you with:

I wouldn’t son, you’re gonna need more paper in there!

…over to you

Following the ridiculous pre-budget report from Alistair Darling this Government has zero credibility left.

Every independent body has denounced the #pbr as a cynical pre-election manifesto that simply puts off the difficult decisions until after a General Election with cash incentives that will be clawed back within 18 months yet still I see the Loony Left suggesting he was strong, he did what was right for our nation.

It seems that ever more the Loony Left are attempting to cling on to power at ANY cost and unfortunately that cost is to us, the taxpayer.